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Day In The Life, Family Law, Humour, Law, Legal profession

Be it resolved !

Author: Christopher Green

I’ve reached an age where I’ve pretty much abandoned any notion of self -improvement, so I no longer indulge in the pastime of making and breaking New Years Resolutions, but even so, I occasionally still feel the old yearning. So now, when the urge strikes I set goals for others instead!

I confess, it is getting harder and harder to find folks who will sit still long enough for me to draft a set of resolutions for them. I know from bitter experience not to engage my wife in the exercise, and the rest of the family have simply stopped inviting me over, to preclude me from opining. My co-workers have rather boisterously and profanely informed me that they prefer to set their own, and everybody knows that lawyers have no friends, so that is a dead-end street. The only ones left to organize are my clients, and so, along with my very best wishes for a prosperous New Year, I offer to them  the  following:

  1. I solemnly resolve never, ever, to slag the opposite party in my lawsuit  on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, or similar social media platforms, however richly they deserve it. I will refrain from all social media posting that I wouldnt be comfortable seeing appended to a court affidavit.
  2. I solemnly resolve never to drunk dial the opposite party in my law suit, or opposing counsel, or the judge, or, especially, my own  lawyer- even if before midnight.
  3. I solemnly resolve not to break the law for the duration of my lawsuit, (yes, the entire duration) including stealing stuff from my ex- committing vandalism against my ex’s property, driving drunk during an access visit, committing perjury, or threatening witnesses.If in doubt whether an activity is  actually illegal, as opposed to simply ill-advised, I will check with my lawyer first.
  4. if perchance I stumble in keeping resolution #3, then I solemnly resolve to assiduously avoid getting caught on security video, or leaving fingerprints, or DNA at the crime scene. If necessary I will educate myself about fingerprints and DNA by watching CSI re-runs until I have it down cold.
  5.  I solemnly resolve never to confess. If a policeman tells me I have the right to remain silent, I will immediately shut up.I further resolve not to confess to the undercover cop sharing my cell either.
  6. I solemnly resolve to stop doing legal research on Google. I will restrict myself to only receiving legal advice from my lawyer
  7. I solemnly resolve not to draft my own legal documents, or to cut and paste stuff I don’t understand into the middle of legal documents my lawyer has drafted and sent me.
  8. I solemnly resolve to actually follow my lawyer’s advice.
  9. I solemnly resolve not to lie to my lawyer.
  10. I solemnly resolve to pay my lawyer on time, in full, always, and with a smile.

Resolutions are hard, I know- they are supposed to be- keeping them builds character. Keeping the resolutions I have set for you will make you a better person, and more importantly, a better client,and  might just give you a better chance of winning your case!